Take the break (mental health break)

Hello friends! 

Let me set the stage: I’m a very busy working mom with a high pressure tech consulting job. I work out of my home and we’re just now getting back to travel. My family is extremely important to me and I love Jesus - And I cuss a little. Or a lot, depending on who you ask. I do believe anyone you ask will tell you my heart is as big as the state I was born - Texas. 

I’ve been in Napa this week. And to say it’s been life changing is an understatement. I came on this trip w so much anxiety and pressure on myself. I can’t say it’s even realistic pressure. But as I’m sitting here getting ready for our last day… I’m processing how did I get here? 

• Not to be a good mom, but a great one, all the time, because i feel like I neglect the kids because i work too much and need to make up for past failures I did and anyone else has ever done. Because that’s what our kids deserve.
• To be excellent at my job all the time because we’re supposed to? Right? Because I have to be ready all the time. I never feel like I’m good enough. Because my job deserves my very best too. 
• To be the best wife always all the time. I never do enough around the house. Because we went thru so much crap to find each other and I’m grateful every day just at the fact he loves me. And chooses me every day… and he deserves everything that’s good from me. That’s what he deserves. 
• To be available for my mom and brothers and grandma and my family for anything they need because i love them - all of my family- so fiercely. And I want to be there w them and see them more and should. And feel bad I don’t. And why not? Right? Because that’s also what they deserve right? 
• To be good to my friends. And there for them. Because I have AMAZING FRIENDS!!! And I don’t see them enough, and feel like I fail them… and they deserve the best from me, too. 

And it’s true that we all deserve good things. Yes.

but damn!? Right???

I know I don’t have to do this. I know I’m doing it to myself. I know no one puts this pressure on me. I KNOW. but. Why do we do this to ourselves? 

Anyone else out here feeling me? I know I’m not alone!!!! Y’all. We don’t have to do this. I’ve been straight up having panic attacks lately and no idea why. Had no clue what It was. And this trip to Napa with a wonderful friend of mine who processes in life similar ways to me. We’ve really just been digging into root causes and finding some good nuggets here. Really digging in….

Someone on this trip asked me if I’ve forgiven myself. You wanna talk about unleashing the beast. I straight up cried on the massage table. Ugly tears. But I asked I don’t even know where to begin, but that was just it, that was where I had to begin… I had to come to realize that what I was running from is just… me. ME and MY SELF INDUCED PRESSURE… 

I am feeling lead to share this today because I know someone needs to see and read this. Please. Know if you are struggling with some of this similar to my experience. You are not alone! But find people you can bring to your village!!! Find someone you trust to talk to. A pastor, therapist. A dr, teacher. Coworker, boss? Police officer? Anyone you trust who won’t use the info to harm. But please don’t bottle it in. We’re in this together, friends!!! 

For those who want to know what I do… for my mental health regimen… I have a therapist, psychiatrist (for myself and my daughter) and I have friends I know I can call 24/7. For any need. And my husband is beyond words amazing. When I’m having a day, he will just be there, he’ll go to my apts with me if I need and also just… listen, or respond if I need 🤣🥰. He cares, he loves, and he wants what’s best for us all. You can talk to your friends but sometimes your friends are trying to tell you and not listen to you - so choose wisely who you lean on - not everyone is made to carry your cross. Use discernment on who you let into your circle. 

I came to Napa to get a mental health break. I feel like I’m leaving a whole new person. You find magic if you look for it! I hope me sharing some of my most personal struggles and the fact that this is just… life. I hope helps. You do not need to put this pressure on yourself. 

Moms… God chose you to be your children’s mom. For the good. The hard. The amazing. And everything in between. God did make them perfectly for us. But He also made us perfectly for them. Even in all our imperfections! When did we forget that we are also imperfect? Hearing someone remind me this week that I am my children’s hand-picked mom. Wow. That was also powerful. 

I hope I can start sharing more on this blog, again. For now… I pray this post blesses you, friends. We all mess up - as I have been doing for weeks and months and years with these unrealistic expectations on myself, and none of those mistakes are wasted. I promise. God uses it all to make us better. If He will do it for me, I promise He will do it for you. Because - friends - I am no better than you.  

Happy Wednesday!!!!